NYC Dads: Mark Your Calendars!

The NYC Dads Group is sponsoring an amazing event later this month. On Wednesday, the 22nd from 6-8pm, Jeremy Adam Smith, author of the amazing "The Daddy Shift," is going to be giving a talk at the lower Manhattan branch of the 92nd Street Y. For more info, check out here. I'm hoping to attend as well. And if you haven't scooped up a copy of Jeremy's book, whadayawaitingfor??

Evolution of Dad across the Atlantic

It's always interesting to see how trends in fatherhood are translated on the other side of the Atlantic. I was recently interviewed by The Times in Britain for an article on how the role of dad is changing. Aside from quoting me as saying 'mum' as opposed to 'mom' they did a really good job at presenting a balanced view on the subject of dads. Perhaps what's most intriguing is their perspective that us American dads are much more open to sharing our feelings on the subject of caregiving than our British counterparts. Ironically, while there may be an openness over here, the policies of our country lag behind England when it comes to paternity leave and such. No matter, the times they are a-changing.

Conspiracy of Silence?

Yes, it's that wild and crazy time of the year when fatherhood is back on the cultural radar. I honestly have mixed feelings about Father's Day. It's great to have a holiday promoting the importance and appreciation of dads and yet, between the commercial push and the general shallowness of the media coverage, I find myself shaking my head.

I just came across an article from The Observer over on other side of the Atlantic which goes beyond head shaking to mere bafflement. The basic premise is that more and more men are coming out about how much they don't get or appreciate being dads.

Huh?

Maybe this is a British thing. I dunno. I mean, are there days that I would like to throw my boys out the window? Are there moments when I feel like banging my head against the wall? Are there times when re-reading their favorite book of Thomas for the 10,000th time is perhaps the dullest experience ever? Absolutely! Boy, there was a moment this weekend when my wife and I were with our sons at the Olive Garden and, between the screaming, standing on seats and food throwing, I'm certain the twenty-something hipster waiter was thinking, "Who would want to do this to themselves?"

And yet, would I change a thing about having kids? Would I trade in the accrued gray hairs, the loss of time, the lack of sleep, the destruction of my home, to be single and free again?

Not on your life.

What also bothered me in particular with this article was the given assumption that somehow dads have no paternal instinct compared to women, so women are just naturally suited for the job. The research about how fathers have chemical changes as well as their counterparts has been substantiated again and again. Sure, being a father really starts on day one for most new dads, but at the end of the day it's on the job training where it's really about, for moms or dads.

I think there's a balance in all of this, of course. Spending all the time taking care of one's kids, just like spending all the time away from them, can be equally troubling for dads. I think it's important for dads (and moms) to keep their sanity by getting out once in a while, having another part of their lives taken up with work, etc. It's this balance which is the toughest in our society and really where the struggle lies.

Maybe it's different for British dads but I doubt it. Maybe there are other dads out there who just don't want to be around their kids. My response to that - don't have kids then! Obviously, fatherhood is not for everyone, but a 'conspiracy of silence'? Please!

A MUST Read

I just started reading Jeremy Smith's The Daddy Shift and so far it's everything one could hope for in a book about how the role of fatherhood is changing. Wow! Hats off to you, Jeremy, for writing a book of this caliber. More to follow once I've completed the book.

The Memorial Day Weekend Experiment

So, you’re out at the playground with your kids, or visiting a museum or even sitting with them at the breakfast table and there’s that urge to check your email, read the latest Twitter, text a friend, etc. You can do it fairly subtly these days. A brief glance at the device in your lap, so that it’s not so readily apparent as putting a phone to your head. It only takes a moment or so of time, so what’s the big deal?

Has this ever happened to you?

Personally, it’s a perpetual temptation. Sometimes I wish I’d never gotten that cellphone that receives email. Boy, do I check it more than I should. I initially programmed the phone to send a signal every time a new email came in and by the end of the day I was worse than a Pavlovian dog.

We live in this crazy world where multitasking is expected, where our food is sugared up, where a million and one things are grabbing at our attention, so that we can’t spend too much time focusing on any one thing. We are now busier than we’ve ever been before. More information. More ways to connect with people. More of everything.

Are we happier?

For me, it’s a deep struggle. I really want to be PRESENT with my kids when I’m with them. Yet, more often than not, the mental stimulation of being around them is so lacking that I find myself craving to read the NYTimes on my phone while simultaneously keeping an eye on my boys as they take a bath or glancing at my email while walking my elder son to preschool. I look around and see that I’m not alone in this. I see moms and dads in restaurants, at the playground, texting, emailing, twittering, while taking care of their kids. Are we really with our kids when our brains are sucked into our iphones or blackberries or even the newspaper? And what’s this teaching them? That it’s okay not to be present in our lives?

Obviously, we can’t disconnect ourselves with the world or be left out – or can we? Is it possible to carve a balance? I’m going to try a simple experiment over this Memorial Day Weekend. No twitter. No texting. No email checking until after the kids have gone to bed. No cell phone usage unless it’s something relating to close friends or family. So, if you need to reach me, don’t be surprised by the delay.

Better yet, if what I’m writing about strikes a chord, I welcome you to try it as well. Let’s make this Memorial Day Weekend into what it should be about: direct contact with those we care about the most.

Not Without My Daughter!

I can't say that Taken is the kind of movie one thinks of when it comes to father/daughter relations, but seeing it tonight certainly made my paternal instincts rise to a steady boil. There really is something primal about watching a father relentlessly trying to save the life of this daughter. While it's a sad commentary about our culture that the father portrayal is yet another inabsentia-dad-on-the-mend, the love between Neeson's character and his daughter felt very real to me. Definitely a recommend for this Father's Day season:)

A Video That Explains Everything

My elder son and I watched "The Story of Stuff" this evening and, while it wasn't specifically about fatherhood, it gave a pretty good explanation as to why the priorities of fatherhood and the family are so screwed up at this point. If you haven't seen it already, please do so. Then share it with your friends, your families, anyone who is willing to listen.